Sorry, America, but we have not been able to blog in quite some time. Marianne has had another baby, and I am being beaten down by tax season. Anyway, we are very sorry, but neither of us has been able to get our shit together and post a blog. Forgive us?
Here’s an old one from football season, 2010:
Lisa: Did you see Favre at the press conference after the game? YumYum.
Fitted black sweater is a good look for all men who are in shape. I likey.
Marianne: No. Did he take his cock out?
Lisa: I wish.
Marianne: From now on, that should be his go-to move. Lose a game, take my penis out.
Lisa: I agree! TD celebration? Whip out the cock and wag it around.
Marianne: I’m cracking up over here! That would be awesome!
Lisa: So funny.
Marianne: I had so much fun on Sunday, watching football with y’all. I told Carl he totally missed out.
Lisa: I know! It was so fun. Especially the part where I dropped my water and almost peed my pants. WTF?
Marianne: Especially doing the Cabbage Patch and the Running Man dances!
Lisa: Yes! Don’t forget the Sprinkler!
Marianne: That was awesome!
Lisa: You’re going to have to teach me the Running Man, so I can be even more awesome.
Marianne: No problem. It’s definitely a crowd pleaser. I like to mix it with “the Carlton” from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
Lisa: I’ve got that one down.
Marianne: Cool.
Lisa: LOL. Higlaeiius.
Hilarious.
Marianne: I like the other spelling better.
Lisa: Right???
Marianne: It could be a player’s name. Pronounced, “Harold”
And he could be like, “That’s the Old English spelling”
Lisa: Ye Olde Higlaeiius.
Marianne: Haha!
Lisa: LOL
I love Jason Segel. Look how cute:
Here is an exchange between Marianne and me, about the dream I had last night. Enjoy!
Call me, Jason.
Lisa and I were talking yesterday and I was whining about all of the things I have to do in the next few weeks and about why my life is so hard (waah). And I asked if there is any way I can just give up on life. How do I do that? Just lay down in a heap on the floor and stop breathing? (Which, incidentally, I wish my dog, Milli, would do. Preferably before I give birth to the second baby in a few months.) And Lisa said this to me: “Dude, you’re not taking proper advantage of your pregnancy.” I said, “really? I’ve been eating mountains of food every two hours. And I’ve turned into a super-dick. For example, if I roll my eyes at Carl one more time, I’m pretty sure he’s just going to go ahead and get his own place.” (Seriously, I had to call him the other day while he was at work and apologize for my general assholish behavior. He was pretty understanding. He said, “that’s okay. I know you’re really uncomfortable being 7 months pregnant and all.” Which is partly true. But mostly everything is just pissing me off. )
Lisa said “Yes, that’s all good. But you need to lie down and not move. Tell everyone that your doctor says you need a week of bed rest.” So, I’ve been thinking about this. It sounds pretty appealing. But I would kind of feel like a hypocrite because I am very critical of people (usually pregnant women) who treat pregnancy as a disability. IT’S NOT A DISABILITY. Unless you work in the coal mines, you can still do your job while you’re pregnant. I am always shocked at the number of women who want to quit their jobs or go on maternity leave WHILE THEY’RE PREGNANT. And do what, exactly? Lay around and grow a fetus? Is that a full-time job? I can do that while texting, writing rude blogs, and being a part-time lawyer and a full-time lyrical assassin. Sooo, what’s the deal, ladies?
Am I missing out on one of the greatest joys of pregnancy? Bed rest and lazing about? Or am I right? We should be able to do what’s expected of us, just at a slower and whinier pace? Please weigh in. I really need some feedback on this. Obviously, I’m too close to this issue to see it clearly.
***Also, if your doctor orders bed rest, I’m not such an asshole that I would advocate not bed-resting. But if your best friend orders bed rest, I think there might be some wiggle room there, no? Somehow, I don’t think my husband and my two-year-old would be real keen on me saying “Lisa said I need to lie down. And watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And if one of you could massage my feet? That’d be great. What? I’m growing a baby.”
Marianne and I were texting as we watched the most recent episode of Jersey Shore. Enjoy!
Lisa: Vinnie was like my soul!
Marianne: Haha! Can you believe Deena? So dramatic. I love JWoww’s reaction.
Lisa: So good.
Lisa: It’s still so bizarre to me how these fools go home drunk, eat a huge meal, and then go bang it out.
Marianne: I KNOW! It seems like that’s a perfect recipe for burping and farting your way thru sex
Marianne: All that food and booze sloshing around
Lisa: Ha! So gross. Plus heartburn.
Marianne: Plus, I’d pass out halfway thru grilling a hamburger and burn the house down
Lisa: Fall face down on the grill and charbroil your face.
Marianne: Hahaha!! Totally
Lisa: Poor Deena. So homely.
Marianne: Yeah, it’s not good
Marianne: She’s not cute. But so sweet!
Lisa: Such a wreck.
Marianne: When she gets that big rats nest in her hair. Sweet jesus
Lisa: OMG THE HAIR.
Marianne: Yes
Lisa: Then Pauly RIPS IT OUT???
Lisa: Do guidos not know about scissors?
Marianne: “We’re wasting our time here. You need to deep condition!”
Marianne: It’s scary
Marianne: It looks like a pile of dead animal skins
Lisa: Ha! It does.
Lisa: I love Snooki dancing in those giant boots and ass hanging out everywhere.
Marianne: I know! I just want to be her and Deena for a day. Not give a fuck that my ass is WAY TOO BIG for those shorts
Lisa: Oh god. The Unit.
Marianne: CREEPY.
Lisa: He’s so GROSS
Marianne: You know he’s got a dead body hidden under his house or some shit
Lisa: In pieces.
Marianne: Super Creepy
Marianne: Why do all the neighborhood dogs keep going missing?
Marianne: I love how you said The Unit’s body is like beef jerky! Hilarious and accurate
Lisa: Dude. Help me make sense of “In honor of Vinnie, I’m going to fuck this girl IN HIS BED.”
Marianne: Oh god. That was so disturbing
Marianne: Pauly is getting kind of creepy too
Marianne: Have you seen where he basically orders a girl to either get in his bed and get ready to fuck or to just get the fuck out?
Lisa: No! Gag.
Marianne: Getting a little rapey on his birthday.
Lisa: Not cute.
Marianne: Yeah. Not good.
Lisa: Next time we go out we’re dancing like Deena and Nicole. Get ready.
Marianne: Yes. I’m totally ready.
Lisa: Maybe oughta wait till you drop that baby.
Lisa: The best part of that whole creepy Pauly scene is Sam’s face. So uncomfortable.
Marianne: I know!
Marianne: Shes like “whaaaat?”
Lisa: Squeal factor!
Lisa: That Caesar salad Pauly’s brother gets makes me want to punch someone. YUM.
Lisa: I WANT A 10-POUND SALAD.
Marianne: I know dude. Caesar salad is so good!
Marianne: Tell Brad not to come home without one tonight OR ELSE.
Lisa: Listen, if he won’t stop for milk on the way home, he’s certainly not stopping to get me a damn salad.
Marianne: Ha! Goddammit, Brad.
Lisa: Hey Mike. Want people to be nice to you on your birthday? Quit being a dick!
Marianne: Exactly!
Marianne: God, he’s such a pain in the ass!
Lisa: Such a titty baby!
Marianne: I love how he just leaves at the end…and no one cares.
Lisa: MAN UP AND QUIT ACTING LIKE A BITCH!
Marianne: Yes. Fucking little bitch.
Lisa: He was hoping everyone would respond the way they did when Vinny left.
Marianne: Yeah. And instead they just laughed.
Marianne: And I HATE how he says “you know.” He says “you knoah”
Lisa: Dude. Scenes for next week.
Lisa: Danny on a rampage and Sam in a fight at the bar!
Marianne: Yes!
Lisa: So. Good.
Marianne: I love how Danny barrels into the house
Lisa: He’s so awesome.
Marianne: And what’s up with Sammi?
Marianne: Is the crazy finally coming out?
Lisa: Oh probably some chick tries to hit on Ron.
Marianne: Yeah
Lisa: You know, some reasonable explanation like that.
Marianne: Right. Of course.
Lisa: She deserves to have some random chick beat her ass.
Marianne: Yeah. She’s had an asswhipping coming for a while.
Lisa: She’s lucky Ron didn’t do it a long time ago.
Marianne: Yeah. No one would have blamed him.
Lisa: I can’t believe he didn’t snap, all those times.
Marianne: Especially that time he threw her mattress out with her still on it.
Lisa: Her, clinging to it “like a spider monkey” (your words). Brilliant.
Marianne: Haha!
Marianne: That’s when I thought he said he was going to slap the shit out of her.
Marianne: But he really said he was going to bring home two girls and fuck the shit out of them.
Lisa: So romantic. What a catch that guy is.
Lisa: Smooth talker.
Marianne: Well, they’re made for each other.
Lisa: Yes. Two psychos.
Backstory: Marianne is 30 weeks pregnant, and although she looks adorable, she’s miserable and angry at the world. Just like every 7-months-pregnant woman has a right to be.
Marianne: We’re all in Olivia’s room and Carl is pretending to be asleep in O’s bed. I told him if that bed breaks under him, that’s the bed he’s going to die in.
Marianne: Also, one of my FB friends’ kid is selling girl scout cookies and I messaged her the cookies I want to order and she hasn’t messaged me back and that was 3 hours ago. I’m getting kind of stressed.
Marianne: I NEED THOSE COOKIES
Lisa: These are hilarious. Why is he in her bed? WTF?
Marianne: Because he’s a delicate flower. He can’t sit on the floor. His buttocks might get bruised
Lisa: Why do either?
Marianne: Well bc we’re playing in O’s room.
Marianne: And it’s better than standing over her like drill sergeants while she plays.
Marianne: Dude, if I get any bigger, I will actually be a parade float. My theme will be: “birth control, get you some.”
Lisa: I like it. You can throw dental dams and IUDs from the float.
Marianne: Haha! Yes.
Marianne: And a scary birth video can be playing on a big screen TV on the float
Lisa: The float can be shaped like a giant uterus.
Marianne: And Girl V can make a special appearance and lecture women “if you love your vagina, don’t push a human thru it.”
Marianne: And Milli will be there. Obviously as a cautionary tale about being a “pet” owner.
Lisa: I like it.
Friends, obviously I haven’t done a Beverly Hills recap in weeks. I apologize! Hopefully, my absence hasn’t caused some of you to protest Beverly Hills by skipping your mani/ pedis, going to Pilates without makeup and jewelry, quit dressing your tiny dog and carrying him around, etc. You know what? I felt like I had run out of ways to say, “They’re all lunatics” in a fun and fresh way. I am going to try my best to make it up to you this week.
The show opens with Lisa getting to see Pandora’s wedding invites for the first time. Each invitation looks like a wrapped present with flowers all over it. Each invitation costs $150. One hundred and fifty dollars. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS. EACH. You know what would have made a better invitation? Taking 15 hundred-dollar bills, and writing a few words on each one. When people receive them, they have to piece the words together, like a puzzle, to figure out where they’ve been invited. Then- here’s the best part- they can take the $150 and march right down to the mall and buy Pandora a wedding present with it. Genius, right? Although I get the feeling that whatever cheap bastard only spends $150 on Pandora’s wedding gift will be burned in effigy. So maybe the flowery present-that’s-not-a-present approach is best. In that case, well-played, Pandora.
Then we are treated to Pandora’s caterers creating what amounts to a magic show in the kitchen. Wait- Lisa and Ken own restaurants- why aren’t they doing the food? Is that too Hillbilly? Can’t they turn this task over to their staff and be done with it? What am I missing, here?
Next, filler. I mean, we watch Adrienne working on her new shoe line. BO-RING. Adrienne’s shoes are bizarre. I can’t believe people wear this kind of stuff in real life. The only part I really liked was when Adrienne said, “What little girl doesn’t dream of being able to do this?” Uh, do what, exactly? Sit around a table full of yes-men? Be born filthy rich? Have a staff full of whipping boys who respond to your every whim? OH- design horrible shoes. I guess that’s what she meant.
Next, Taylor and Russell in therapy. HORRIFYING. Russell doesn’t usually attend their couples therapy. Surprise, he’s too busy. He says, “The good news is, there’s nothing that’s happened in our marriage that’s so damaging that neither one of us couldn’t recover from.” WHAT. I guess breaking your wife’s face is A-OK? Ugh. The therapist tries to get Russell to address his anger and clearly, Russell’s not willing to go into it. Hopefully he is a little more open when the cameras aren’t around. Then- then!- Russell bolts. He’s too busy and important to spend a full hour trying to save his marriage. This fool takes the cake. Poor Taylor.
Ok, back to the wedding plans. Who cares. I hope these people care as much about the marriage as they do about the wedding. Pandora says she’s worried about Lisa’s friends coming to the wedding because she doesn’t want a “showdown.” Jason says, “They wouldn’t fight at the wedding! Would they?” Dude, has he never seen this show before? Classy public events are the favorite spot for these ladies to start some shit.
Kyle and Brandi meet for a manicure. Kyle makes a half-assed attempt to get to know Brandi. Brandi wants to have a party with the girls, and have a blow-job expert come and give a lesson. Kyle about shits her pants. Listen, Brandi- pump the brakes. It’s so weird that she always worries that people think she’s a slut, and then she’s wanting to do this kind of crap. Brandi- just an idea- how about a cocktail party? How about dinner? How about nothing? Chill out, friend.
Russell goes to the fashion show with Taylor. You can tell that Taylor really doesn’t want him there and has no idea what to do with him. This looks like the coldest marriage in the history of marriages. Taylor and Russell seem like they don’t even know each other at all. I really think that he is going along on the night as a direct reaction to Camille saying out loud that he beats Taylor. So he can be there and trick everyone into thinking that he’s a good husband. YUCK.
Kyle and Mauricio join Taylor and Russell. Kyle comes out wearing an ill-fitting, green sack that makes her look HUGE. She has said in the past that she doesn’t have a stylist, and this dress is the proof. She’s pulling and tugging at it all night. Good grief, woman. Just because it’s pretty on the rack doesn’t mean it’s a go-ahead. MIRRORS, look into them.
Adrienne pulls Lisa aside to confront her about not having Pandora’s bachelorette party at the Palms. Lisa apologizes and they have an appropriate conversation like two grown, mature women. Much to Bravo’s chagrin. Then, Camille and Taylor decide to have a talk, but not at Adreinne’s fashion show. Again, much to Bravo’s chagrin. Come on, ladies! Don’t you know why we’re all here? Start acting like dicks! Where’s Kyle when we need her? She can always be counted on to jump in the middle of someone else’s fight and act like an asshole; someone get her out here!
Adrienne and the director of the Step Up charity are having a very bizarre conversation about “If Adrienne can do it, anyone can do it.” What? Be born with money? Treat their husband like he’s an idiot? I’m not following.
The episode ends with Kyle trying to get into Lisa’s business with Adrienne. No surprise, there. Lisa is wondering what Adrienne’s problem is with her. Does Adrienne have a chip on her shoulder? I’m sure we’ll find out soon.
Episode’s Best Moment: I don’t know. I give up.
Episode’s Stupidest Moment: All the time spent building up to Adrienne’s fashion show. Clearly, the event was a letdown. Bravo obviously expected way more drama, what with Adrienne confronting Lisa, and Taylor and Camille’s drama. So, we had to sit through an awful lot of buildup for very little payoff. The joke’s on you, Bravo! Or, wait- the joke’s on us viewers, obviously.
Scenes from next week: Brandi’s party. Brandi says, “Kyle is probably used to having attention put on her.” NO SHIT. Apparently, Kyle and Brandi get into a screaming match. Then! Taylor loses her shit in a big way, screaming in someone’s face. This looks like an AWESOME party.
WARNING! This text exchange contains multiple swear words, including frequent use of the F-word, and the C-word that most ladies hate. If you are an ACOTA reader with delicate sensibilities, you might want to skip this one and check back next week. Wait, are there ACOTA readers with delicate sensibilities? You might be in the wrong place, altogether.
Also keep in mind that Milli is Marianne’s totally obnoxious dog.
Lisa: Brad just asked me “If we invented something and then sold it for like a billion dollars, what would you do?”
Marianne: Did you say, “get my own place”?
Lisa: Haha! I said I’d gather up a select group of people and tell them to fuck off.
Marianne: Ha! Even better!
Lisa: I’ve brought you all together in this beautiful ballroom to share some important news with you. You’re all a bunch of dicks and need to fuck off.
Marianne: HAHA! You don’t need a billion dollars to do that.
Lisa: Yeah but I need the money to rent out the Hilton or wherever.
Marianne: Well that is true
You should serve a really delicious dinner.
And for dessert–facefucks
Lisa: Or maybe at a restaurant or whatever and then leave without paying the tab.
Yes. A facefuck dessert bar.
Marianne: Would you like sprinkles on your facefuck?
Lisa: You know that guy who came up w vitamin water sold it to coke for 4 billion. That’s what started this.
Plus he came up with pirate booty and he still owns that. Rich fuck.
Marianne: God! That bastard
Lisa: Right? Give the rest of us a chance.
Marianne: For real. Plus, vitamin water is nasty.
Lisa: Like that asshole that came up with Paul Mitchell hair crap AND Patron. Greedy.
Lisa: I’ve never had vitamin water. What’s the point???
Marianne: NOTHING. There is no point.
Lisa: We need to invent something, dude.
Marianne: I know. But what?
Lisa: Something stupid.
I need to become filthy rich so I can start planning the aforementioned party.
Marianne: I’d say just move forward with the planning. The Money will come.
Lisa: Ok. You’re right.
Since there’s not enough enemies to fill a ballroom, what about planning a party for everyone I know and then call up my enemies at 30-minute intervals and humiliate them on stage individually? I might like this idea better.
Marianne: That works.
Lisa: That way my true friends will see firsthand that I am not to be fucked with.
Marianne: Right. Plus you get the public shaming aspect.
Lisa: We can put a microphone in the audience so anyone with something to add can join in the fun.
I know you’d have some things to contribute.
Marianne: Oh yes. I’d be there to cover random categories like clothing and appearance, cooking skills, etc
Lisa: Good. I tend to let those things slide so that’s good.
Oh cooking I don’t.
Marianne: Yeah. You’ll have that covered
Lisa: Remember when you were being “nice” by bringing me that dinner that contained approximately 6 cups of peas? Well FUCK YOU!
Marianne: That dinner was bullshit!
Lisa: Haha!
Marianne: I HATE PEAS, YOU CUNT
Lisa: SHOVE THOSE PEAS UP YOUR ASSHOLE, BITCH!
Marianne: Ha!
Lisa: Now go marry Milli and fuck off!
Marianne: Hahahahaha!!
Lisa: Hilarious
I recently realized something about myself. I have little to no sympathy for anyone who gets eight uninterrupted hours of sleep a night. I could be talking to a close friend of mine and they could be going through some serious shit. Like, their apartment is flooded, their car won’t start, and their boyfriend just broke up with them. And I’d be like, “but did you get a full night’s sleep last night? Oh, you did? And you don’t have a baby or toddler up on you right now? Well, girl you GOT this! Just make a few phone calls. And I’ll swing by and pick you up and we can go slash your ex-boyfriend’s tires right quick.”
I mean you ARE well-rested, right? Then I don’t see why you can’t solve any number of problems and then, probably, go on to take over the world. I know I’d be capable of all of that if I didn’t wake up every hour or so to a toddler screaming “Help me, mama, help me!” or “I need milk! CHOCOLATE milk!” What possesses my daughter to request chocolate milk in the middle of the night is beyond me. I have never provided her with chocolate milk at night. She probably thinks that if I miss enough sleep, chocolate milk at 3 a.m. will sound like a reasonable request.
Sleep is my number one priority. I know everyone says this, but you don’t realize how little sleep parenthood will allow you to have. It’s kind of shocking. I am always surprised there aren’t more murders of spouses due to sleep deprivation. Probably everyone is just too tired to actually kill someone.
I especially can’t handle it when some of my husband’s single or childless friends say how tired they are from staying out all night the night before. Oh, you’re tired from boozing it up all night last night? Awesome. Question, did the bartender bust up in your house at 2 a.m. and scream in your face until you did four shots of Tuaca and then karaoked a Prince song? No? Hmmm. (angry smile)
But the best is when people compare their pet’s shenanigans to your kids’ shenanigans. Like they’ll say, “yeah, my dog kept me up last night because he was jumping on the bed a lot and sometimes he would even sigh really loud.” Oh. REALLY? That’s the same as what I was saying which was “my two-year old had a fever of 103 last night and woke up every hour screaming and crying and it was horrible. She’s exhausted and we’re exhausted and she feels awful.” A dog and a two-year-old are pretty much the same thing. Especially a dog and a sick two-year- old.
Also, just as a side note to husbands everywhere, you are NOT as tired as your wife. You’ll never win that competition, so don’t even try. Just accept that getting more sleep is one of the many benefits of being a dude and move on with your life.
Lisa: Listen to this badass shit I did this morning. This lady cut me off in traffic. She sells that scentsy bullshit so her name and webpage were on the back of her car.
I pulled out my phone and sent her an email about how she shouldn’t cut people off in traffic.
Marianne: HA! That’s hilarious! Did she respond?
Lisa: Hell no.
Marianne: Bitch
Lisa: Of course not.
Marianne: I’m sure she’s far too busy and important to respond to emails.Shes too busy scheduling scentsy parties.
Lisa: I know. Scentsy consultants are very in-demand. There’s only like a million billion of them.
Marianne: She had a hot scentsy party to get to at 8 am.
Lisa: Right. That and she has some Stella and Dot to sell.
Marianne: Yea. Then a Mary Kay party.
Lisa: Hey did you know that people are injecting vodka into gummy bears? Have you heard about this?
Who are these people and how can we get invited to one of their parties?
Marianne: What? No! I’m intrigued. It sounds a lot better than those nasty jello shots!
Lisa: Right! I want some.
Marianne: Yes! I love gummy bears and I love vodka.
Lisa: Win-win
It would take a shitload of gummy bears to get anyone drunk tho.
A whole gummy forest full.
Marianne: I think I’m up to that task.
