Summer-time Psychosis

Every summer here in Dallas, I get REAL pissed off.  Because of the heat.  It’s not just that I hate getting pit stains in my professional clothing (suits and whatnot), it’s also that I hate having a perpetual sweat ‘stache.  It’s not cute.

Yes. Not a hint of shame. He's like, "what do you want from me? It's 8000 degrees outside."

It’s not even officially summer yet, and already I’m having my annual melt-down where I start wondering if maybe I’m manic depressive or bipolar.  Or maybe I just can’t handle real life?

Looks okay from here, get any closer and you will actually start to emit steam.

By mid-July, I will need someone to talk me down from the  ledge and bail me out of jail for punching all of the people here in Texas who say they “love the heat.”  How is THAT possible?  Unless your actual job is lay on a float in a pool all day long and imbibe ice-cold adult beverages AND the pool remains cooler than bathwater, there is NO WAY you can love summer in Texas.

Where's her cocktail?

That brings me to appropriate clothing and outfit choices for 150 degree weather.  Not all of us look good in mesh shirts and denim panties.  Well, pretty much no one looks good in that shit.

There are no words.

Britney, come ON, girl!

So, what can we wear?  It’s a conundrum.  You don’t want to wear any of the shirts you really like because they will be instantaneously ruined by flop sweat.  But you do want to try to look decent, if only to bolster your mood a little.   I still don’t have the answer to this.  I just buy a bunch of tank tops  from Old Navy every year and wear one for each day of the week , except on weekends.  I just stay in my pajamas then.  I can tell by the look on Carl’s face when he sees me put one of the five colors (hot pink, yellow, black, white, light pink) on that it’s not really that awesome.  In fact, it clearly makes him sad.

Obv, I don't look like this pretty lady when I'm wearing them.

Listen, it’s hard enough to get through my daily chores and bullshit without getting in my boiling car and setting my ass on fire.  The minute I get in  my car to go to the grocery store or court, or wherever the fuck, and my face and neck starts DRIPPING sweat within seconds, I just want to give up, go back in the house, grab a Nestle Drumstick, lay down under the ceiling fan and slip slowly into madness.  Who’s with me?

You're the only one who understands me, drumstick.


Comments (3)

Rachel ParanjpyeJune 10th, 2011 at 10:37 am

It was just yesterday MORNING that while I was on a walk I was admiring my own pit stains. There was no hiding these bad boys as they had practically migrated down to my waste! I was wearing one of my 4 brand new Old Navy tanks and am now thinking I need 1 more to complete the week – don’t really know what Carl is talking about – they are awesome and look super hot! Anyway, I’m glad to hear that a real Texan agrees that it’s fucking hot! And please people, don’t tell me that I can’t complain until the temp rises above 100, because I CAN and I WILL!!

LaurenJune 10th, 2011 at 4:49 pm

I totally understand. I remember I went to a barbeque you had last year and I was embarrassed because I was sweating through my dress. Ewww.

AmieJune 14th, 2011 at 10:18 am

Just yesterday I thought I’d take Jonah out for a walk in the morning hours… Fresh air could do us some good was my rational.. So at 10am we stepped out onto the side walk in front of our house.. My flip flops immediately melted to the concrete and Jonahs pacifier melted to his face. I ran inside to scrape off the pacifier with a spatula, it was plastic, his face was still smolting hot, therefor the spatula melted to his face too. Then I realized I had 17th degree burns on my feet from running back inside barefoot after my flip flops melted to the concrete… I won’t be doing that again…. Texas heat has made me a gorophobe..

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