Sleep, you cunning devil
I recently realized something about myself. I have little to no sympathy for anyone who gets eight uninterrupted hours of sleep a night. I could be talking to a close friend of mine and they could be going through some serious shit. Like, their apartment is flooded, their car won’t start, and their boyfriend just broke up with them. And I’d be like, “but did you get a full night’s sleep last night? Oh, you did? And you don’t have a baby or toddler up on you right now? Well, girl you GOT this! Just make a few phone calls. And I’ll swing by and pick you up and we can go slash your ex-boyfriend’s tires right quick.”
I mean you ARE well-rested, right? Then I don’t see why you can’t solve any number of problems and then, probably, go on to take over the world. I know I’d be capable of all of that if I didn’t wake up every hour or so to a toddler screaming “Help me, mama, help me!” or “I need milk! CHOCOLATE milk!” What possesses my daughter to request chocolate milk in the middle of the night is beyond me. I have never provided her with chocolate milk at night. She probably thinks that if I miss enough sleep, chocolate milk at 3 a.m. will sound like a reasonable request.
Sleep is my number one priority. I know everyone says this, but you don’t realize how little sleep parenthood will allow you to have. It’s kind of shocking. I am always surprised there aren’t more murders of spouses due to sleep deprivation. Probably everyone is just too tired to actually kill someone.
I especially can’t handle it when some of my husband’s single or childless friends say how tired they are from staying out all night the night before. Oh, you’re tired from boozing it up all night last night? Awesome. Question, did the bartender bust up in your house at 2 a.m. and scream in your face until you did four shots of Tuaca and then karaoked a Prince song? No? Hmmm. (angry smile)
But the best is when people compare their pet’s shenanigans to your kids’ shenanigans. Like they’ll say, “yeah, my dog kept me up last night because he was jumping on the bed a lot and sometimes he would even sigh really loud.” Oh. REALLY? That’s the same as what I was saying which was “my two-year old had a fever of 103 last night and woke up every hour screaming and crying and it was horrible. She’s exhausted and we’re exhausted and she feels awful.” A dog and a two-year-old are pretty much the same thing. Especially a dog and a sick two-year- old.
Also, just as a side note to husbands everywhere, you are NOT as tired as your wife. You’ll never win that competition, so don’t even try. Just accept that getting more sleep is one of the many benefits of being a dude and move on with your life.