Text Exchange, Re: The Exxon Valdez
WARNING! The following text exchange may offend some of our male readers.
You should know that one of the presents in Lisa’s Christmas stocking last year was a pair of kitchen shears.
You should also know that Polly is Lisa’s dog. And that she is a giant, disgusting German Shepherd.
Lisa: Dude, I just got out of my Dr. appt.
Marianne: How did that go?
Lisa: Not good. Guess what that fucker wants me to do before I get that uterine ablation?
Lisa: A saline sonogram. Have you heard of this?
Marianne: No and it sounds horrific.
Lisa: They fill up your uterus with a bunch of saline, take a biopsy and do a sonogram.
Lisa: Because my period is like the fucking Exxon Valdez in volume and duration , and he wants to make sure nothing else is going on.
Marianne: Haha. Ugh. How the hell do they get the saline in there?!
Lisa: I don’t know!
Marianne: Oh, shit. You didn’t ask?
Lisa: No. I was too focused on my uterus being used as a water balloon.
Marianne: Dude, I can’t believe you didn’t ask him how it gets in there!
Lisa: Drinking straw? Screwed to the top of a 2-liter of salt water?
Marianne: “Hold this bottle up in the air until you feel your uterus start to explode”
You need to have a special treat for yourself afterwards. Or you can get drunk before you go.
Lisa: I plan on drinking throughout the procedure, actually. And eating.
Marianne: Set up a Bloody Mary bar in the corner of the sono room.
And your doctor better rub your feet during the procedure and put you up in a hotel after.
Marianne: “Sorry about your uterus, Lisa. Please accept my apology in the form of this nice hotel room.”
Lisa: He wanted to make sure that there’s permanent birth control. I told him that he could bet his little ass that Brad will be getting a vasectomy.
Marianne: Why? What does that matter?
Lisa: Because he says that if I were to get pregnant after the ablation, the pregnancy couldn’t survive.
Marianne: Isn’t that the point?
Lisa: Haha! One of them, definitely.
Marianne: He’d better go get that vasectomy done. Or else you might have to do it for him while he’s asleep one night.
Lisa: I feel like I could do it pretty easily because I’ve seen some diagrams. I do know my way around a penis.
Marianne: All you need is a medical assistant. I nominate Polly.
Lisa: Well, she does know sterile technique.
Marianne: You could use those kitchen shears he got you last year.
Lisa: Yeah, Brad, little did you know that I would use those Christmas Scissors to lovingly cut your dick open.
Marianne: Note to Brad: Jewelry in the stocking next year helps to avoid bodily harm.