Text Exchange, Re: The Exxon Valdez

WARNING! The following text exchange may offend some of our male readers. 

You should know that one of the presents in Lisa’s Christmas stocking last year was a pair of kitchen shears. 

You should also know that Polly is Lisa’s dog.  And that she is a giant, disgusting German Shepherd.

 

Lisa:  Dude, I just got out of my Dr. appt. 

Marianne:  How did that go?

Lisa:  Not good.  Guess what that fucker wants me to do before I get that uterine ablation?

Marianne:  WHAT?

Lisa:  A saline sonogram.  Have you heard of this?

Marianne:  No and it sounds horrific.

Lisa:  They fill up your uterus with a bunch of saline, take a biopsy and do a sonogram.

Marianne:  WHY?!?!

Lisa:  Because my period is like the fucking Exxon Valdez in volume and duration , and he wants to make sure nothing else is going on.

Marianne:  Haha.  Ugh.  How the hell do they get the saline in there?!

Lisa:  I don’t know!

Marianne:  Oh, shit.  You didn’t ask?

Lisa:  No.  I was too focused on my uterus being used as a water balloon.

Marianne:  Dude, I can’t believe you didn’t ask him how it gets in there!

Lisa:  Drinking straw?  Screwed to the top of a 2-liter of salt water?

Marianne:  “Hold this bottle up in the air until you feel your uterus start to explode”

You need to have a special treat for yourself afterwards.  Or  you can get drunk before you go.

Lisa:  I plan on drinking throughout the procedure, actually.  And eating.

Marianne:  Set up a Bloody Mary bar in the corner of the sono room.

And your doctor better rub your feet during the procedure and put you up in a hotel after. 

Lisa:  Haha!

Marianne:  “Sorry about your uterus, Lisa.  Please accept my apology in the form of this nice hotel room.”

Lisa:  He wanted to make sure that there’s permanent birth control.  I told him that he could bet his little ass that Brad will be getting a vasectomy. 

Marianne:  Why? What does that matter?

Lisa:  Because he says that if I were to get pregnant after the ablation, the pregnancy couldn’t survive.

Marianne:  Isn’t that the point?

Lisa:  Haha! One of them, definitely.

Marianne:  He’d better go get that vasectomy done.  Or else you might have to do it for him while he’s asleep one night.

Lisa:  I feel like I could do it pretty easily because I’ve seen some diagrams.  I do know my way around a penis.

Marianne:  All you need is a medical assistant.  I nominate Polly.

Lisa:  Well, she does know sterile technique.

Marianne:  You could use those kitchen shears he got you last year.

Lisa:  Yeah, Brad, little did you know that I would use those Christmas Scissors to lovingly cut your dick open.

Marianne:  Note to Brad:  Jewelry in the stocking next year helps to avoid bodily harm.

Lisa:  Haha!