Text Exchange Tuesday, Re: Dirty Hookups
Backstory: Marianne had a friend over, and talked turned to sleeping with a celebrity. Of course it did. Anyway, here’s what happened next:
Marianne: Would you have sex with Jack Black?
Lisa: Yes. All day.
Marianne: Of fucking course.
Lisa: He’s going to give it his all.
Marianne: Rachel is over and she is trying to tell me that he’s disgusting.
Lisa: Oh no.
Marianne: She was like, text Lisa and ask her if she would.
She was convinced you would say no.
Lisa: Well, she has no idea the depths I would go to.
Marianne: See, that’s why you and I are as one.
Lisa: I think that anyone who is not self-conscious at all is going to be good at it.
Marianne: That’s what I said!
Lisa: You know me.
Marianne: Not self conscious at all.
Lisa: You know it.
Willing to make a fool of himself.
Marianne: Yep. That charm goes a long way.
Lisa: Who would she do it with?
Marianne: Well, I just asked her and her husband said “Lenny Kravitz”
Lisa: Well, yeah! Dirty hot.
Marianne: I mean, who wouldn’t?
Now she says Jake Gyllenhaal
Lisa: Way to go out on a limb.
Marianne: She says Adam Levine
Lisa: I think she’s missing the point. The game is to say who is the most “disgusting” guy you’d get up on. Not to pick obvious choices.
Marianne: Ok, she just redeemed herself, she said Jason Segel.
Lisa: WHAT. HE’S NOT DISGUSTING.
That’s my celebrity boyfriend! No no no!
I’m about to get into my car and haul ass over there to regulate.
Marianne: She said he’s not a traditional pick.
She’s saying “What does Lisa want me to say, Dan Akroyd?”
Marianne: I know.
Lisa: Someone along the lines of Jack Black.
Marianne: She says Eminem.
Now she says P Diddy.
Lisa: Ok, better. P Diddy is revolting. Good call.
Marianne: Then she tried to throw out Usher. I said he’s too mainstream.
Lisa: WAY too cute.
Marianne: What about Mickey Rourke?
Lisa: Ugh. Wait. From The Wrestler, or from Diner?
Marianne: The Wrestler.
Lisa: Ugh! No. But Diner, YES. LOTS.
What about Steve Buscemi?
Marianne: See, I like Steve Buscemi.
I mean, he’s ugly, but somehow it all works.
Lisa: Yeah. Me too.
Marianne: Steven Tyler?
Lisa: Oh no. But not because he’s so gross! It’s more because I hate Aerosmith so much.
Marianne: Yes! Me too! That Livin on the Edge bullshit hurts my eardrums.
Lisa: Congratulations, Aerosmith. Over a 30-year career, you have about 3 decent songs.
Marianne: Yes. The rest can go fuck themselves.
Lisa: What about Slash?
Marianne: Oh hell yes. I would.
Lisa: Me too.
Marianne: Adam Duritz from Counting Crows?
Lisa: Well, Jennifer Aniston did.
Marianne: I thought that was Courteney Cox?
Marianne: I say yes. I love him.
Lisa: Well he’s obviously got something up his sleeve. Ok.
Marianne: Flava Flav?
Marianne: Me neither. We might have just found the limit.
Lisa: Oh that face. GAG.
Marianne: His teeth hurt my heart.
Marianne: He makes my eyes go on suicide watch.
Lisa: Yes, he’s the screen saver on my virtual reality murder-suicide weekend.
Marianne: Ha! Yes. “Here, look at this while I quietly stab you. Shhh.”
Lisa: Look at this face until you black out and then you won’t feel a thing.
Marianne: What if he was wearing his giant clock?
Wait. Can I use the clock to cover up his face?
Marianne: Yes? But still. He’s so tiny.
Lisa: Yeah. No way. Even if I had a weird obsession with clocks.
What about Donald Trump?
Marianne: BLEECH it would be like having sex with a giant lizard.
Lisa: HA! Gross.
Marianne: Paul Giamatti?
Lisa: Yes, I would. Right away.
Marianne: Oh, me too. He’s gonna try really hard.
Lisa: Yes, and then be all sad-sacky and love you so much. Like in Sideways.
Marianne: Aww, he’s probably so sweet.
Adam Sandler? I totally would.
Lisa: Oh no. But not because I think he’s so gross. It’s more the Aerosmith effect. His movies are so dumb and he’s so unfunny that I say an adamant no.
Keith Richards? Ugh.
Marianne: No way. He’s way too frail. Plus he looks like an extra on The Golden Girls.
Marianne: Now we’re playing same-sex hookup.
Lisa: Listen, if y’all don’t land on Gina Gershon in Bound, I give up.
Marianne: She says Michelle Williams.
Lisa: That’s acceptable.
Marianne: No way. Catherine Zeta Jones, in Traffic. FOREVER.
Okay, friends. Now it’s your turn! Spill your shameful secrets!