Text Exchange Tuesday, Re: Dirty Hookups

Backstory:  Marianne had a friend over, and talked turned to sleeping with a celebrity.  Of course it did.  Anyway, here’s what happened next:

 

Marianne:  Would you have sex with Jack Black?

Lisa:  Yes.  All day.

You?

Marianne:  Of fucking course.

Lisa:  He’s going to give it his all.

Marianne:  Rachel is over and she is trying to tell me that he’s disgusting.

Lisa:  Oh no.

Marianne:  She was like, text Lisa and ask her if she would.

She was convinced you would say no.

Lisa:  Well, she has no idea the depths I would go to.

Marianne:  See, that’s why you and I are as one.

Lisa:  I think that anyone who is not self-conscious at all is going to be good at it.

Marianne:  That’s what I said!

Lisa:  You know me.

Marianne:  Not self conscious at all.

Lisa:  You know it.

Willing to make a fool of himself.

Marianne:  Yep.  That charm goes a long way.

Lisa:  Who would she do it with?

Marianne:  Well, I just asked her and her husband said “Lenny Kravitz”

Lisa:  Well, yeah!  Dirty hot.

Marianne:  I mean, who wouldn’t?

Now she says Jake Gyllenhaal

Lisa:  Way to go out on a limb.

Marianne:  She says Adam Levine

Lisa:  I think she’s missing the point.  The game is to say who is the most “disgusting” guy you’d get up on.  Not to pick obvious choices.

Marianne:  Ok, she just redeemed herself, she said Jason Segel.

Lisa:  WHAT.  HE’S NOT DISGUSTING.

That’s my celebrity boyfriend!  No no no!

I’m about to get into my car and haul ass over there to regulate.

Marianne:  She said he’s not a traditional pick.

She’s saying “What does Lisa want me to say, Dan Akroyd?”

Lisa: Sigh.

Marianne:  I know.

Lisa:  Someone along the lines of Jack Black.

Marianne:  She says Eminem.

Now she says P Diddy.

Lisa:  Ok, better.  P Diddy is revolting.  Good call.

Marianne:  Then she tried to throw out Usher.  I said he’s too mainstream.

Lisa:  WAY too cute.

Marianne:  What about Mickey Rourke?

Lisa:  Ugh.  Wait.  From The Wrestler, or from Diner?

Marianne:  The Wrestler.

Lisa:  Ugh!  No.  But Diner, YES.  LOTS.

What about Steve Buscemi?

Marianne:  See, I like Steve Buscemi. 

I mean, he’s ugly, but somehow it all works.

Lisa:  Yeah.  Me too.

Marianne:  Steven Tyler?

Lisa:  Oh no.  But not because he’s so gross!  It’s more because I hate Aerosmith so much.

Marianne: Yes!  Me too!  That Livin on the Edge bullshit hurts my eardrums.

Lisa:  Congratulations, Aerosmith.  Over a 30-year career, you have about 3 decent songs. 

Marianne:  Yes.  The rest can go fuck themselves.

Lisa:  What about Slash?

Marianne:  Oh hell yes.  I would.

Lisa:  Me too. 

Marianne:  Adam Duritz from Counting Crows?

Lisa: Well, Jennifer Aniston did.

Marianne:  I thought that was Courteney Cox?

Lisa:  Both?

Marianne:   I say yes.  I love him.

Lisa:  Well he’s obviously got something up his sleeve.  Ok.

Marianne:  Flava Flav?

Lisa:  NO.

Marianne:  Me neither.  We might have just found the limit.

Lisa:  Oh that face.  GAG.

Marianne:  His teeth hurt my heart.

Lisa:  Sickening.

Marianne:  He makes my eyes go on suicide watch.

Lisa:  Yes, he’s the screen saver on my virtual reality murder-suicide weekend.

Marianne:  Ha!  Yes.  “Here, look at this while I quietly stab you.  Shhh.”

Lisa:  Look at this face until you black out and then you won’t feel a thing.

Marianne:  What if he was wearing his giant clock?

Lisa:  GROSS.

Wait.  Can I use the clock to cover up his face?

Marianne:  Yes?  But still.  He’s so tiny.

Lisa:  Yeah.  No way.  Even if I had a weird obsession with clocks.

What about Donald Trump?

Marianne:  BLEECH it would be like having sex with a giant lizard.

Lisa:  HA! Gross.

Marianne:  Paul Giamatti?

Lisa:  Yes, I would.  Right away.

Marianne:  Oh, me too.  He’s gonna try really hard.

Lisa:  Yes, and then be all sad-sacky and love you so much.  Like in Sideways.

Marianne:  Aww, he’s probably so sweet.

Adam Sandler? I totally would.

Lisa:  Oh no.  But not because I think he’s so gross.  It’s more the Aerosmith effect.  His movies are so dumb and he’s so unfunny that I say an adamant no.

Keith Richards?  Ugh.

Marianne:  No way.  He’s way too frail.  Plus he looks like an extra on The Golden Girls.

Lisa:  Haha!

Marianne:  Now we’re playing same-sex hookup.

Lisa: Listen, if y’all don’t land on Gina Gershon in Bound, I give up.

Marianne:  She says Michelle Williams.

Lisa:  That’s acceptable.

Marianne:  No way.  Catherine Zeta Jones, in Traffic.  FOREVER.

 

Okay, friends.  Now it’s your turn!  Spill your shameful secrets!