I have come to the realization that I really do want to get with the program. I don’t what the program is, but I would really like to get with it. I assume it’s something like being a good mother by reading parenting books so I can figure out how I have become my eighteen-month-old’s bitch and somehow reversing that trend and becoming this:
instead of this:
See how that little girl appears to be hitting her mom with that wooden spoon? Well, in my life, she really would be hitting me with it. And it would probably be because I wouldn’t let her play with an electrical outlet or something like that.
Also, getting with the program, I assume, would include being a good wife. A wife who can make a lovely pot roast that doesn’t make people gag.
While looking like this:
Instead of this:
Which leads me to the next segment of “the program.” Going to the gym. Do people really do this? I guess so, because millions of gyms manage to stay in business. And, in fact, I used to be a person who went to the gym. And not just to meet people. Actually, I never went to the gym to meet people. I dressed like a dude and got my sweat on:
But now I can’t seem to even get my gym clothes, let alone my sweat, on. It’s just too much.
So how do I get with this really awesome program? I really want to do it. But I have a previous commitment to all of my shows that I need to watch. You know, Real Housewives, Pregnant in Heels, Survivor, etc. I was talking to my husband about this the other day and he said, “I know! There are so many shows you need to watch. Reality shows, Survivor, shows about reality shows. (he’s referring to Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen) I don’t know how you do it all.” It’s good that he understands. Sorry about the pot roast, honey.
Quick side note: You may remember in an earlier Text Exchange, we talked about Lisa’s husband, Brad, throwing up on some chili Lisa made. I had some of this chili the next day and it was delicious. So, I’m not really sure what was up with Brad. But the best part was that Brad had to tell Lisa that he threw up the chili. I assume to shame her. Carl (my husband) will almost always choke down whatever gruel I put in front of him. And he really never says anything negative about it. The only way I find out if he doesn’t like it is if I propose making it again. Example:
Me: “Hey, I was thinking of making that (whatever dish I pulled out my ass at the time) for dinner tonight.
Me: “Didn’t you like it last time I made it? You had two helpings.”
Me: “Is there something else you had in mind for dinner tonight?”
Carl: “How about spaghetti?” (in a very chipper and upbeat voice)
As for Brad, he will also eat anything Lisa makes for dinner. According to Lisa, if Brad thinks something looks gross, he’ll say “is this some sort of ‘special’ recipe?” or “let’s not put this in the rotation.” But he never refuses to eat whatever. I needed to clarify that so that Brad will get credit from you guys for eating his dinner every night without throwing it on the floor and storming out. Like some husbands, I guess. Not mine or Lisa’s. Just so you know.
So, anyway, people who have their shit together, what’s the secret? Is it that you have a sunny disposition and a positive outlook on life? If so, how do I acquire those? By consuming more alcohol, I assume? Or what? WHAT’S YOUR SECRET?
Carl and I are going to have a BBQ this weekend for some of his work people. For some reason, when I sent out the evite, I said “we’ll provide the food, you just BYOB.” WHY would I do that? Like some kind of party-having rookie. Usually, if we’re going to have a lot of people, I always tell people to bring a side or an appetizer or SOMETHING. And this BBQ has grown to 36 people so far. Awesome.
I was discussing this with my friend, Rachel, the other day and I was like, “I’m super-stressed about this BBQ. I’m making a 10 pound brisket and a ton of macaroni and cheese and some kind of dessert, BUT I DON’T THINK THAT WILL BE ENOUGH!” And she said, “you’re worrying too much. I’m sure you always think you’re going to run out of food at the party but then you never do.” And I said, “no. That’s not true. I can tell you the exact day and time that I ran out of food at one of our parties. It was December 11, 2010 at 5:43 p.m. And I can describe in detail the looks on people’s faces: sad, angry, confused and not pleased. It was not a pretty or Christmasy scene.”
I guess, if we don’t have enough food at this BBQ, people can just drink more booze. But what will the kids do? Because I’m telling you right now, I am not foregoing my helping of brisket, macaroni and cheese, and banana pudding for some kid. I need my calories.
So, my question is, can I amend the evite and say, “If you want to eat, you should be sure and bring a dish of some sort.”? Or is that rude? I guess if worse comes to worst, we can throw Milli on the grill. Hyena steaks for everyone!
Lisa: I haven’t watched Barney since Connor was a toddler. Of course Cameron can’t take his eyes off it.
Question: why hasn’t anyone killed that giant purple asshole yet?
Marianne: Haha! Right. He’s a total dickhead.
Lisa: Haha! Listen, fucker. I don’t need to hear a bunch of crap ass songs about being happy and how everyone is special.
Come back to me after you’ve written a few songs about how everyone sucks and life is unfair.
Marianne: HAHA! Exactly.
Lisa: And take those weird-ass sidekicks with you. What ARE those things???
That Baby Bop is a spoiled little bitch.
Marianne: “sometimes you or a friend might end up in prison. And that’s okayyyyy.”
Lisa: “Be a good friend and gather up some bail money, and don’t juuuudge” And drive me by the beer store on the way hooooome.
Btw, Baby Bop can kiss my ass.
Lisa: She can. All day. Little bitch. And WTF is that one called Riff??? What an attention whore.
Marianne: This is going up for TExT today if that’s cool?
Lisa: Haha! Ok.
Marianne: Your musical stylings are too awesome not to share
Lisa: Haha! Yours too.
Marianne: You’re a lyrical assassin
Lisa: Yes. I’m the lyrical gangsta.
If I had any musical or poetic talent I could really be successful.
Marianne: Well, Yo Gabba is on right now. While the music is better, DJ Lance scares me.
Especially when he does that high kick.
Lisa: No. He’s awesome.
Marianne: He’s so slender. He’s like a jazzy salamander.
Lisa: He’s flexible. I like that in a man. He’s a flexible little ribbon fish.
Lisa: Is that a thing?
Marianne: I can picture in my mind exactly what you’re talking about.
So, yeah, it must be.
Lisa: Ok, good. That’s because we share the same brain.
Marianne: Carl is right now trying to convince me that dolphins have raped numerous humans.
Marianne: He looked it up on YouTube and Wikipedia. Awesome.
Lisa: Oh no. What the fuck is going on over there?
Marianne: I don’t know.
Lisa: Good grief, Carl. Get with it, man.
Marianne: He’s showing me an article saying there is a group of “rogue male dolphins who have been gang raping female humans.” It’s on yahoo answers.
Marianne: GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.
Lisa: (angry smile)
Marianne: haha! Yes.
Lisa: Well, if it’s on the internet, it MUST be true.
Lisa: I don’t even know how to respond to this whole mess.
Marianne: Well, I’m not sure there IS a response.
Marianne: Imagine what I’m saying to Carl right now.
Lisa: Aside from, “Get your nuts out so I can twist them”?
Marianne: Pretty much.
Lisa: I’m really disappointed in him, that he’s buying into that bullshit.
Lisa: Where are these sexed-up dolphins located?
Marianne: Apparently, they’re roving all over. If you see a pack of male dolphins, RUN!
Marianne: They WILL gang rape you.
Lisa: Oh good god.
Marianne: Well, I guess he’s given up on trying to find solid proof on the internet and now we’re going to sleep.
Lisa: Okay, try not to have nightmares about nymphomaniac dolphins.
Note: My husband is actually very smart, which is why this whole thing was so shocking. At one point I said, “Carl, I’ve seen the same YouTube video you have! Where the dolphin at SeaWorld jumps up out of the water and humps that lady’s leg. That’s not rape!” And then he was like, “Well, they gang rape other female dolphins.” And I said, “that’s not rape. That’s just sex for breeding purposes.” The thing is, he has a child-like, steadfast belief in the Interwebs, especially YouTube and Wikipedia. And no amount of hard facts and common sense will sway him to believe otherwise. But look how cute he is with our daughter.
Background: I had to email the following to Lisa the other day. It was too ridiculous not to share.
I’m talking to a court clerk on the phone right now and he said “I filed that on the 7th, which was yesterday, right?” I was like, “No, today’s the 12th.” Him, “Oh that’s right. I don’t do well with linear time. It’s one of those constructs that I have a hard time with.” What??? That doesn’t sound good. Maybe that’s why you have only made it as far as court clerk in your professional life.
Also, I was at the courthouse the other day and saw this awesomeness standing in front of me in line at the District Clerk’s office. And yes, she is an attorney. I’m sure that’s her version of a “summer suit.” (angry smile.)
Lisa: Dude, I can tell it’s a dry spell around here. I just got distracted by that gray-haired Wiggle doing some kind of salsa move. He can really move those hips.
I’m scaring myself right now.
Marianne: HAHA!! That’s hilarious!
Lisa: He’s not attractive AT ALL. Except for a few minutes ago. And of course I like that gray hair.
Marianne: Well, yeah. That’s why I love Robert Downy Jr. That saltnpepper hair.
Lisa: God help us if he ever does the salsa on screen. That’s enough to start a riot.
Marianne: We might have to hump the TV. It wouldn’t be pretty.
Lisa: No. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
Lisa: Shit we like: Silver Foxes. Favre, Clooney, Downey jr
Marianne: Ooh, yes!
Lisa: Anderson Cooper. Sean Connery (?)
Marianne: Yes to both.
Marianne: Jerry jones?
Lisa: BLEECH. Lol! You’re too much.
Marianne: Ha! Just kidding! More like the antithesis
Lisa: Yes. Disgusting.
Lisa: Not for all the tea in china.
Marianne: No. Those skinny fingers. HORROR.
Lisa: Ugh. That facelifty face.
Marianne: Haha! I smell facelifts.
Marianne: Plus, I’m sure he has one of those penis pump things. That help you get an erection. He has to.
He’s like 223 years old. His penis prob gave up a long time ago.
Lisa: Viagra, Cealis AND a penis pump at the same time.
Lisa: I just made a Hershey bar cake. Then ate 4 pieces. Choc buttercream frosting.
I sent 1/2 of it to Jana’s so I could hide how much I had eaten. (shame face)
Marianne: Haha! That sounds fucking awesome!
Marianne: Look at this bullshit:
Marianne: She pulled all of those tissues out of the bathroom trash and ate them. Fucker.
Lisa: My favorite part is the look on her face. You can totally tell what she’s thinking. “Fuck you. You’re not going to do anything about it.”
Marianne: Yep! Pretty much.
Lisa: Ugh that dog sucks.
Marianne: “What are you gonna do?? BLOG about it?? I’m scared.”
Lisa: Go ahead and blog about it! it only enhances my reputation.”
Lisa: You’re just helping her take her assholery worldwide.
Marianne: Ha! Yes. She loves it.
Lisa: So did you clean everything up, like the bitch that you are?
Marianne: Of course. And then I let her kick me in the eye.
Lisa: Haha! You better have.
Marianne: We’re at the hockey game now. I can’t believe they haven’t put us on the jumbotron yet. We’re the cutest people here.
Lisa: Of course you are! Get up and do some anal dancing. That’ll get you on the jumbotron.
Marianne: Wellllll, obbbviioussslee, I tried that already. Just kidding. Anal dancing is a visual affront.
Lisa: Give the people what they want.
Marianne: Well, I tried to get on the KissCam but Carl was too busy posting on Facebook to look up.
Lisa: Damn it, Carl!
Marianne: Pretty much. He ordered TWO FOOT LONG hot dogs and now he’s off getting sugar covered almonds.
Lisa: Holy shit! Does he think he’s never going to eat again?
Marianne: I don’t know. He’s out of control. It’s intervention time.
Marianne: You not kissing me tonight. That’s what you NOT gonna do!
Lisa: Run and tell THAT!
Lisa: Nothing sets the stage for romance like almond, hot dog, and beer breath ALL MIXED TOGETHER.
Marianne: Right! Yucky.
Marianne: Is this or is this not Lou Ferragamo aka The Hulk?
Lisa: I think you’re right. Aren’t there any cute boys around you can take photos of?
Marianne: I know this isn’t what you mean, but how cute are they?!
Lisa: Oh, they are so cute! Connor would totally be rocking out.
Note: Anal dancing is defined as dancing while rubbing your ass up and down on some dude’s frontal area. Also known “dropping it like it’s hot” and “the Jersey turnpike.”
A lot you may not know this, but sharks and babies have quite a bit in common. I am going to outline a few shark/baby attack survival tips:
Say you’re swimming happily in the ocean and you forgot that you cut yourself shaving earlier OR you’re trying to get ready to go out for a much-needed girls’ night. The shark/baby will sense this. That’s when they start circling.
TIP #1: SHOW NO FEAR
The shark/baby may try to brush up against you. Do not make eye contact. Just swim away from the shark/walk away from the baby.
TIP #2: DISTRACT
If the shark/baby persists in circling and/or pulling on you, try flipping the shark/baby upside down. Studies show that when you flip a shark upside down, it will go to sleep. Also, anecdotal evidence shows that if you flip a baby upside down, you will get a smile and the baby will be cool for a few minutes at least. This maneuver may give you enough time to get your ass back on the boat OR get your keys, wallet and lipstick and leave the house.
TIP #3: REACT QUICKLY
If all else fails and the shark/baby attacks, immediately punch the shark in the nose and swim away as fast as you can OR throw the baby in the dad’s arms and haul ass out of the house. Both sharks and babies have scary and vicious teeth. And once they chomp down, all hope is lost. Therefore, you MUST react quickly with the defensive moves described above. DO NOT LOOK BACK.
Note: If you find yourself surrounded by sharks/babies, just give up. They will go into a feeding frenzy and maul you beyond all recognition. Your only hope is to drown/suffocate yourself. This can be done by breathing in ocean water or smothering yourself with your shirt.
Also, be wary of little sharks/babies. Just because they’re small does not mean they can’t do real and serious damage. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE YOUR SHARK/BABY OPPONENT.
Background: Earlier in the day, Lisa had to move a bunch of stuff from her house into storage. So, she had already been whipped. And then this…
Lisa: You’re gonna shit your pants when I tell you where I am right now.
Marianne: Oh, good GOD! Why??
Lisa: Because life doesn’t suck enough.
Marianne: Right. Maybe they have some stuff you can move into storage there, too. Maybe you can take all the balls out of that ball thing and then put them back in!
Lisa: THEY DON’T EVEN SERVE BEER.
Marianne: One word: flask
Lisa: I’m way past flask. Syringe.
Marianne: Oh no. Just go drown yourself in the balls.
Lisa: THERE’S NO BALLS. NO BOOZE AND NO BALLS.
Marianne: So, you have to commit suicide by getting beat down by kids???
Lisa: Yes. Story of my life. Cameron (the one-year-old) is the one whipping me, though.
Marianne: Just throw him at the giant rat.
Lisa: There is a job interview going on to my right. Things have taken a wrong turn for someone.
Marianne: HAHAHA! Are you serious??? At Chuck E. Cheese?
Lisa: Deadly serious. I will get a pic.
Marianne: What’s the job? Whipping boy?
Lisa: Hello Marianne. I hear that my brothers are not welcome in your house.
Marianne: Dude, that is BLEAK. Takes me back to my days as a waitress at the last dine-in Pizza Hut in America.
Lisa: I’ll try to get closer but there’s no one else in this area so it’s totally obv.
Marianne: I can see enough to know I don’t want to see any more.
Lisa: Let’s just sit under this giant animatronic rat and I’ll do your interview.
Marianne: Rats don’t make you uncomfortable, do they? Because it’s a pretty big part of the job.
Lisa: Do you object to wearing a rat suit and letting tons of grubby kids hug you?
Lisa: (angry smile)
Marianne: Are you okay with even janitors and garbage men looking down on your occupation with disdain and pity?
Lisa: Plus, do you enjoy covers of popular songs, sung by Chuck E?
We’ll never know if this man ended up getting the job. Poor guy. Either way, life is not going well for him.
Background: Milli is my dog. She’s twelve years old and HORRIBLE. Olivia is my sixteen-month old daughter.
Marianne: Okay. Milli just barked in Olivia’s face because Olivia was about to pet her. So we kenneled Milli and I told Carl that we are going to have to put her down soon. And he said no! WHAT.
Lisa: HE DOESN’T GET A VOTE.
Marianne: I’m gonna put her down right now, 1800’s-style with some arsenic and a punch to the temple.
Lisa: That’s the way.
Marianne: Exactly. I said, “what are we gonna do? Wait until she bites Olivia on the face?” And he said “we’ll just have to keep them separated.” Meaning I’LL have to keep them separated.
Marianne: I just told him that he doesn’t get a vote and he seemed a little hurt by that. So, I told him he gets 3/5 vote, like a slave. Ha!
As a side note, this dog has been a total pain in the ass since Olivia was born. I have actually said things like, “Milli, goddammit, I’m going to beat you and videotape it and then make you watch it while I beat you again!” And I used to love this dog so much I would let her sleep under the comforter with us at night. So, you can see how much our relationship has changed. It’s not good.